Random Acts of Georga

I Warned Him

There is really no polite way to put this so you have been warned...

Normal parenting logic does not work on my kids. It never has and it probably never will. I can not get away with rules like "Don't use words you don't know the meanings of." My kids will always ask for the meanings. Yesterday was no different. This time around I think it scarred my eight year old son for life. Oddly, I haven't seen him yet today.

The word in question was douche bag. I don't remember why he was using it. It's not important. What is important was that one of his older siblings was chastising him for pronouncing it wrong and his sister that is a year older was also using the word. Monkey see monkey do.

Me: We don't use that word.
Dakota: Why?
Me: It's not nice.
Dakota: What does it mean.
Me: Never mind. Don't use it. Besides, you shouldn't use words they don't mean.
Cherokee: Besides, you can't even say it right.
Me: Cherokee, do you know what it means?
Cherokee: I think.
Dakota: What does it mean?
Me: Never mind. Don't use it. We don't use words we don't know what they mean.
Cheyenne: Savannah calls people douche bag.
Me: That doesn't mean you do it. I am going to have to talk to her about that.
Dakota: What does it mean.
Me: It's something that girls use to clean their girl parts with. Happy?
Dakota: (completely mortified) Ewww. Gross. I am not saying that again.
Me: You wanted to know.
(Cherokee and Cheyenne proceed to laugh at his total terror and discomfort)

Maybe the next time I tell him to drop something he will listen. Then again maybe not. The boy is a slow learner.

Tags: boy, douche, inapproperate, learning experience, parenting, polite, rules, slow learner

Look...A Blog Post

Yesterday, I think it was (my concept of time is really bad) I received an email from someone concerned that I was dead or something because I had not updated my blog in a month. OOPS! As I said, my concept of time is bad. I really didn't realize it had been that long.

I have been going back and forth to the doctor for testing because my back is all goobered up. She thought that I had MS. Not the case. At least someone finally had the common sense to rule it out. It's just the normal scoliosis stuff I have been dealing with that isn't bad enough for the doctors to do anything about but is causing me horrid amounts of pain. Got more pain meds thrown at me. Yay. Well, not really. I am on enough meds now that I have no idea what is causing what side effects and I am refusing to take anything I have been prescribed. I am a pain like that.

Had some more tattoo work done by the artistic genius that is Markuss Decker at the Tattooed Heart in Glenn Burnie Maryland.

He's done all of my tattoos and I won't go to anyone else.

The kanji lettering says "bite me". It's the Cheshire Cat as done by American McGee.

I have started on another blog project called The Tattoo Diaries. It's more of a biography project than it is a blog. You can learn some interesting things about me there, however I would suggest ignoring most of the stuff in the sidebar because it promotes my "adult" projects. If you aren't interested in that stuff, don't click. You have been warned.

Yesterdays weirdness. We had some pretty bad storms here. Earlier in the week, my youngest decided to find out what was in the attic. It's not really so much an attic attic as it is an attic crawl space sort of thing. He got chairs and climbed up and opened it. What's up there? Bats. He didn't bother to shut it and wanted to let the bats in the house. Great. So yesterday we had some pretty bad storms. Our electric was knocked out. As me and the kids were standing in the dark the boy started stressing out because he was worried about the bats being afraid of the storm.

Tags: adult projects, american mcgee, artistic genius, bats in the house, biography project, chairs, cheshire cat, common sense, concept of time, crawl space, doctors, email, heart, interesting things, lettering, scoliosis, sidebar, storms, tattoo work, tattoos

Smurf Turds

Last week I had a minor accident that involved vertigo, blacking out and hitting my head. Don't worry, I didn't do any brain damage. The first time this happened was about three years ago and the dumbass doctors insisted I had an inner ear problem. I thought it was my back because it's quite normal for me to have dizzy spells and they started when the back pain started.

Anyway, after the fall, I found a neurologist here in VA, made an appt and took my ass in. I am not happy. All this pain that I am in, all the headaches, all the dizzy spells are not related to my scoliosis and related back issues. It's MS and I have been walking around three years untreated. But that isn't important right now.

What is important is this. I was given a muscle relaxant used to treat spastic muscles in MS. It's blue. Medication should not be blue. Worse yet, it's smurf blue (my husband so kindly pointed that out).

Trust me when I say the color is a bit washed out in that picture. These pills look like smurf turds! The doctor wants me to take smurf turds! You know, in nature anything that is blue is poisonous. I really try to avoid all things blue and now I have to swallow these smurf turds three times a day!

My husband does not seem to understand my thing with anything blue and how it is not supposed to be injested. If something is intentionally made blue (fruit gummies for instance) I won't eat them on principal. Food is not supposed to be blue, end of story. I was told to shut up and take my medicine.

Savannah came downstairs to all my ranting and I showed her my medication and she said to me, "Maybe the doctor is trying to kill you."

Tags: appt, back issues, back pain, blue fruit, brain damage, dizzy spells, downstairs, gummies, headaches, inner ear problem, medication, minor accident, multiple sclerosis, neurologist, principal food, savannah, scoliosis, smurf, spastic muscles, three times, turd, vertigo

Quit Telling Your Brother to Lick Things

It's going to be one of those days, I see it now.

It all started with Dakota asking me, "Are lima beans poisonous?"

My husband replied with "It depends on what you are allergic to." I never thought of it that way. I know I should have.

Dakota then returns to ask if he can treat his brother like a dog.

No.

I don't understand why my children ask me for permission to do things they know I will not sanction. I am convinced they do it just to make me mental.

Dakota returns a few minutes later asking if he can have a pet lima bean. Uh...I told him if he wants to grow a lima bean plant it can be arranged. His next question was "Can I feed it to Dalton?" Uh...

I told him to go be weird somewhere else. Enter Cheyenne who points to him and says "He needs therapy." No kidding. She then told him to go lick the wall. He did. Then he started licking his brother.

"CHEYENNE!!! QUIT TELLING YOUR BROTHER TO LICK THINGS!!!"

Tags: brother, cheyenne, dalton, few minutes, lima bean plant, lima beans, one of those days

Thursday 13

Today is a rather boring Thursday 13. I haven't been able to think of anything to write about for a few days. That's not entirely true, I have been writing in other places on why I think that the John Stagliano obscenity case is crap, but that's not a topic for this blog. If anyone wants to read my views on that let me know and I will send you links to other blogs that I have written. Anyway, today's Thursday 13 is

13 "ODD" ALLERGIES IN MY HOUSE

I wrote something a while back for Associated Content called 7 Kids 19 Food Allergies. Since then we have identified several more allergies and the list is up to 21. It's maddening. So, without further ado, here are some of the more oddball allergies in my house...

1. Carrots (believe it or not, this is related to Birch Tree pollen)
2. Red Peppers (I wrote about this one in the AC article mentioned above)
3. Sauerkraut (I don't get this one either, I really need to research what happens when food is pickled)
4. Apricots
5. Uncooked peaches - cooked ones are fine (Google "Oral Allergy Syndrome" for the explanation on this one)
6. Kiwi

I am not awake yet, I am having a hard time thinking through the allergies and which ones would be considered "odd".

7. Corn - not really on the oddest of odd list, but it's annoying
8. Aloe - I think I have the only kid allergic to aloe. If she uses it her skin flakes off like a molting reptile. It's really weird. Would hate to see what would happen if she ingested it.
9. Potatoes - there is a cross-reactivity with all nightshade vegetables.
10. Sweet Potatoes
11. Cherries
12. Anything that starts with "FD&C" - Artificial colorings, especially red and yellow, aren't all that odd. I have seen reactions in my house to the ones that rarely cause reactions
13. Just because I can't think of anything else odd, I am going to list the usual suspects that add to that ever growing list of things that make it impossible to feed people in my house. milk, shellfish, fish, wheat, peanuts, tree nuts, eggs, tomatoes, strawberries, chocolate...

Tags: allergies, apricots, artificial colorings, birch tree, carrots, cherries, cross reactivity, eggs, food allergies, google, john stagliano, nightshade, nightshade vegetables, nuts, obscenity case, oral allergy syndrome, peaches, peanuts, red peppers, sauerkraut, skin flakes, sweet potatoes, tree pollen, usual suspects

Find Out Tom Cruise's Secret

I know what it is and I am going to share it.

I was going through my email and every so often my spam filter does something odd and sends things to spam that are not spam so I have to check everything. Anyway, in my spam folder I find a subject that says "Find Out Tom Cruise's Secret". Now, anyone that knows me knows I am not going to turn away anything that might make for a good Tom Cruise joke. So, after telling my husband that I have this email, I proceed to open it, hoping that it's good. All that is in the email is a link.

This link. http://www.krisfyans.com/.

Here I was hoping for something more. For a moment my heart sank with the disappointment of a lame link. Then I clicked on it and lo and behold, I was taken to Tom Cruise's secret.

VPXL - "The Number One Penis Enlargement Supplement Worldwide."

Tags: disappointment, email, heart, joke, lame link, penis enlargement, spam filter, spam folder, Tom Cruise

Thursday 13

This weeks Thursday 13 was inspired by a friend of mine who recently posted on his myspace blog some of the oddest search phrases that have turned up his blog. For some time we have had kind of a contest going to see which one of us gets the most bizarre search phrases and I have to say he finally has me beat with "Amish barn orgies". On that note I find myself wondering if I should be more worried that the following phrases have turned up my blog or that people are actually entering these things into Google.

Thirteen of the Strangest Google Search Phrases to Turn up This Blog. Ever. 1. Homeschool family and Munsters. 2. Embalming in Egypt using napalm. 3. Chinese Mafia information. 4. The religious implications of dead flies. 5. Floor cheese. 6. Dust bunny care. 7. Page 117 comments. 8. Chicken fetish. 9. Shrimp tree for Christmas. 10. Random acts of cheese. 11. Barbie Doll porn movies. 12. Octopus fetish. 13. Turkey balls.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Tags: balls, barbie doll, bunny care, cheese, Chinese Mafia, Christmas, dust bunny, Egypt, embalming, fetish, flies, homeschool family, octopus, participants, porn movies, random acts, religious implications, search phrases, shrimp, turkey

Autism Awareness Tattoo

Bronchitis day 10. Still dying.

I really hate being sick. I get bored to easy. I don't feel like doing anything, my creativity is zapped and I am bored out of my mind. I tried four times yesterday to write a blog. That worked out well. NOT! I am also convinced that napalm would taste better than cough syrup.

So much for being on the Do Not Call list. Telemarketers like me. At least I am not getting calls for Amber anymore.

Being sick the month of April just kind of crept in on me. Usually this time of year I am writing some huge blog on autism awareness because 1. April is Autism Awareness Month and 2. I have two autistic children. It just seems bizarre for the umpteenth time giving the statistics of autism, explaining it what it is and so forth. I just can't bring myself to do it this time around. It's redundant and that information can be found everywhere on the internet. Instead, I think I will share something else with everyone.

I had this tattoo done the end of summer last year. It's on my left hand. It was something I had tossed around for sometime that I really wanted to get done but at the same time I didn't want to be like everyone else. I have seen very many pictures of autism ribbon tattoos. A lot of times they are on someones ankle or the inside of the forearm. The forearm ones are usually huge too. My tattoo guy (Markuss) told me that when he was in California he did a lot of these, mostly on the shoulder. I picked my hand because it would be difficult to hide there. I don't think about how easily it's going to be to hide my tattoo work when I get it done. I could really care less, I am just like that. However, every other tattoo that I have can be covered up if need be. When I told Markuss where I wanted it he asked me right off "Are you sure about this? It's a big step." Meaning, you are not going to be able to cover that, are you sure you want to do it? I thought that was really cool of him, to make sure that I had thought this through.

By my train of thought, if, for some reason, I found myself going out into the 9 to 5 work force again and someone gave me a hard time about an awareness ribbon tattoo I probably wouldn't want to work for them in the first damn place. I don't see any difference between wearing an awareness ribbon or a piece of jewelry or having a visible tattoo on my hand. Maybe I am crazy, I don't know. What I find weird is the few comments that I have gotten from people. They usually don't know what it is and will say "That's pretty." I don't know why, but I find that weird. I want to slap those people and say "It's not supposed to be pretty you twit, it's an awareness ribbon." Sigh. Oh well.

Tags: 1 april, amber, april is autism awareness month, autism awareness month, autistic children, blog, bronchitis, cough syrup, creativity, forearm, left hand, month of april, pictures of autism, ribbon, statistics of autism, tattoo guy, tattoo work, telemarketers, time of year, umpteenth time

Next on a Special Edition of CSI...

It's been a long time coming but finally Crime Scene Investigators are checking out Neverland Ranch. For years strange stories have come out of Michael Jacksons private sanctuary involving a twisted chimp fetish and highly questionable pajama parties where Jesus Juice was often served alongside the cookies and milk.

To everyones concern, Michael Jackson has vanished out of the ever watchful eye of the media leaving behind a single sequined glove. "At least when he was in the media constantly we knew what he was up to and where he was. Now we just don't know." The head of the CSI Pedophile Unit told the press. "We must find out what happened to Michael Jackson."

Join the members of CSI: Neverland as they go in search of Michael Jackson.

Tags: chimp, cookies and milk, crime scene investigators, fetish, jesus, long time, michael jackson, michael jacksons, pajama parties, pedophile, private sanctuary, watchful eye, what happened to michael jackson

Thursday 13

I am still sick and feeling like crap. I also have five sick kids at the moment. I haven't seen my boys yet this morning so that number could go higher. I am currently going through the yellow pages looking for hitmen to take out the inconsiderate ass that brought this stuff into work where my husband could bring it home with him. Not having any luck in the yellow pages, I should probably try Craigslist. I know a few weeks ago I found a DC hitman looking for work there.

I was considering writing 13 things I hate about being sick, but that is stupid and would sound like I was whining. I am just not feeling very creative today. So, since this stuff always makes me laugh, or at least scratch my head, here are 13 things NOT to crochet.

1. When strippers are allowed to make their own stage outfits bad things happen.

2. WTF???

3. Tampon cozies. These would probably be a big hit on ebay.

4. Uh...This is what happens when mathematicians get bored. It is a crocheted model of a hyperbolic plane.

5. Crochet balls. I am not sure what you would do with these, but okay. My first thought is to give them to that special male friend who...never mind.

6. This is supposed to be a purse, but it looks more like a penis warmer. (Hey, I said I was sick. Don't blame me for fever induced interpretations of things.

7. Hellboy?!? Why??

8. If you don't want the entire stripper outfit, how about just the thong? It's green...

9. If you can name it you can have it. The site that I found this one on just called it "free form crochet".

10. It's supposed to be a spider but me thinks someone pulled off two of his legs, or they can't count.

11. Sea anemone. Who wants a crocheted anemone?

12. To go with that anemone here is an entire coral garden. Where do people get these ideas?

13. This one is titled "Rubbish Vortex". I kid you not. I guess this is what happens when you try to crochet after dropping acid or something.

Tags: balls, boy, boys, ebay, friends, home, IDEA, kids, penis, spider